Update.

8/06/2017 05:56:00 pm

It's been a while since I last updated.

Probably been over six months since I did this.

I can officially say I made it through towards the end of Bachelor's :)
So so so SO glad I'm graduating this September :D !!

Alot of tears, stress, sweat and boundaries has been made throughout this past year, I wouldn't say 2017 so far has been my peak, but I guess it's been another learning curve.

After finishing uni, I did a few days of part time work as a waitress... until I received great news.

I secured my part I architectural placement year back in my local area of UK. The thought of starting there was so good, as I get to stay at home close with my family and my friends. There's been so much considering made into deciding which firm I wanted to stay in, as these interviews and firming which place had given me so much anxiety > <. 

So now, I'm currently in Hong Kong for my summer holiday and also was lucky enough to go to Osaka, Japan with my big ass family <3 

It's been really fun. I don't think I've been this happy in comparison to the first half of the year. I guess the feeling of finishing uni (for now) is like a big weight off my shoulder. It even felt strange to feel this relaxed. 

So then after settling a week or so in HK... I got another job opportunity to work in HK! 
I would mostly say that I was nervous... because I've been given the opportunity to work here. At the same time.. I was so excited :D because it'll be the very first time to intern in such a big company and will get to know what kinda stuff happens behind the design team. 

For my birthday... I was soooo soooo blessed to have been given showered with so many surprises and birthday cakes. I was so happy to have been able to spent with my great family, friend's company and food! I don't think I've ever cut or ate so many birthday cakes in so many years hahaha, bday celebrations lasting over a weeeek <3 #blessed

And then...
I came across someone who I used to know
who contacted me.
At first I felt very hesitant 
But I felt like being the better person to just meet him
and it'll be fine. 
To just meet as good friends.
Because I let the past to be put behind.

Perhaps I didn't think that the old feelings would come back again. 
But it came to my surprise that he felt the same way too.
And what really struck me...
was when he broke down.

I felt the need to comfort him.
And the need to talk about things all the way through.
Knowing that you were reading this blog, went through my photos or silly videos on youtube..
made me feel like my thoughts and my emotions hadn't gone down the drain.

You have no idea..
the things
I did
to get over you.

But nonetheless, I will not try to victimise myself in this situation.

I felt that even though
I deleted your contact info, unfriended you and unfollowed you
from all social media to finally try to forget you..
I know you'll still pop up in my mind...
all over again.

I will constantly wonder what you're up to and how's your life going.

I know that both of us are in the pursuit of chasing our dreams... larger than life.
But you're busy building this career of yours accompanied by your large network of friends.
I would never argue that you're a star at what you do..

But I just felt like,
I never fit into your busy schedule.

Your words felt so geniune.
Even three years ago. You made me feel so warm inside.
The way you looked at me, the way you looked out for me when taking me home, making sure I get home safe..asking the waiter to turn down the ac when I got cold.

I somehow know your intentions when seeing you in real life.

You shared how you went through those years..
how much guilt you felt.
But perhaps it's not love you felt with me..
but more so pitying the heartbreak caused?

I cannot deny that my feelings were there.
But as soons as you redid history once more,
I just sensed
this wasn't right.

I'd be lying if I were to say that the past brought me joy, but they don't tear me down as much as they once did- not so long ago.

I long debated what love meant to me..
but now I know..
is caring.
I show my love through caring about someone.
But I guess you didn't like that I needed your attention
whilst you were busy
and I should have learnt not to be such a burden on you.

We got along tremendously well.
I am very comfortable when I am with you.
I guess even though I haven't really bonded with you much in person..
it was enough for me to tell that you can be a caring person too.
The only form of communication between us within the time of not meeting
was only texting.
but with this.. your responses become less frequent or as time progressed they slowed down or would just disappear.

This is old love.
It isn't new to you or as appealing.
I felt like I wanted to make time for you/ know about you more than you wanted to make time for me.
I didn't want to come off as needy but..
I couldn't help that you prioritised your time more to yourself and your friends.
rather than making available time to see/speak to me.

I thought that it'll be easy.
Getting over things that have happened back then.

But you placed another scar on me again. :(

I don't know if I did something to make you
avoid me again...
or just you're just inevitably busy
but I will not make excuses for this.

I don't know what really has happened
for us to
get back onto square one
once more.

But even with this behaviour...
I find it very difficult to understand.

Even as a friend.. I find this unacceptable to just be ghosted.
Why couldn't you speak up? Why're you such a pussy?
At least tell me what is happening....
why you're ignoring me.

Thanks for not giving me anything to work with.

Needless to say..
You're just not that into me.

From the girl who once liked you alot.


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